characters

Have you ever noticed how many different kinds of people there are out there?  I mean, it's truly astounding how God thought to have so many unique faces and personalities.

I'll be honest:  I don't always appreciate every personality.  But I am often amused by them.

This past weekend I organized a yard sale for my friends and the people in my building.  It was a large undertaking but I was heavily motivated by the need for extra cash and to be free of so many superfluous items taking up space I don't have.  If you've ever held your own yard or garage sale you know that all kinds of characters will show up and, hopefully, hilarity will ensue.  And ensue it did.

It was only 7:45 on Friday morning but I was already feeling like this endeavor had been a mistake.  There was just so much stuff to take outside and get set up and I only had 2 people helping me -- who were total lifesavers, by the way.  On one of my trips outside I see my friend, Judy, talking to an early-bird customer.  He was an older man and, at this point, I don't know what they are talking about when I hear Judy say, "What if I sold it to you for $1?"  And then he says loudly:  "No, not even for $1!  Computers are ruining America!  Why doesn't anybody realize this?!"

And he walked away with his righteous indignation in tact and I knew I was in for an interesting [and long] day.

Later, in the height of our busiest time a woman arrived with her 2 grand kids.  I learned quickly that she was a professional bargainer and would only take the most rock-bottom and ridiculous prices.  I actually sold her a DVD/VCR combo for $6.50!  It was a moment of weakness for me, luck for her.  Then she took one of the folding chairs we were using for yard sale workers and set up shop at the teacher section and started building up a huge stack of teacher manuals and resources for what she said was homeschooling for her grand kids.   She wanted deals on all of them and the bartering went something like this:

Me:  "Well, each of these is listed for $3 so I can give them to you for $2 since you have so many."
Her:  "How about $1?"
Me:  "$1?  You can see right here that they were each $17.99 new and they are barely used.  If I sold you these for $1 each my friend who is selling them wouldn't thank me."
Her:  "Well, if they were new, maybe, but this is a rummage sale."
[I paused trying not to correct her verbiage.  Rummage sale?!  Hardly.]

I decided to cut my losses and give her the stack for a flat price which came in at 50% of the total [reduced] value.  She accepted that deal but then also wanted the bread maker, her grand kids wanted picture books and DVD's and her granddaughter wanted a toy microphone.  However, she didn't have enough cash on her for all these treasures so she had to strike, yet another, deal with me.  She would pay cash for some items and write a check for the rest.  She would take the items paid for with cash and when the check cleared ["after Tuesday"] then I could call her and she would pick up the rest.  While you absorb the ramifications of that I interject this anecdote:

When the granddaughter [about 6] realized that the money would be short she graciously offered to put back the microphone but the grand mother insisted that she keep that.  "You need that," she said with conviction, "for your singing."  I couldn't help but wonder if she was buying the microphone as a sort of insurance policy for the future.  She was picturing herself on American Idol tracing it all back to the $1 microphone she was smart enough to pay for on a cash-n-carry deal.

Anyway, I agreed to the absurd deal and took her check.  As she walked away my friend Katy says these wise words:  "You will never see that woman again in your life."  I fear she's right and I'll be driving around with a bread maker in my trunk for weeks.

Finally, in the cleaning stages of Saturday afternoon when I was exhausted and covered in sweat when a guy pulls up and gets out of his car.  He was clearly too late for the party but that wasn't stopping him.  He was on a mission.

Remember Rocky's trainer, Paulie?


Now you know what the guy looked like as he began this conversation with me [seriously, he even had the cigar]:

Paulie:  "You have a sale here?"
Me [as I carry heavy boxes back and forth in 85 degree heat]:  "Yes, we're cleaning up, sorry you missed it."
Paulie:  "You live here?"
Me:  "Yes" [I'd had a ton of questions about the building so this wasn't a suspicious question.  Yet.]
Paulie:  "You married?"
Me:  [Trying to remain calm and looking at my friend, Megan, in panic] "Not yet."
Paulie:  "Not yet, huh?"
Me:  "I'm about to be -- thanks for coming!"

Paulie turns and leaves, probably heading to the bowling alley to troll for his next conquest.

Megan was shocked but I told her calmly:  "I'm very big with creepy old men; it's always been true."  [I'm serious and the bowling alley and fake boyfriend/fiance thing is not arbitrary.  A disgusting old man asked me to go home with him once when I was 17 after I told him I was waiting for my [fake] boyfriend.]

So, with about $325 [about $1000 total!] in my pocket I put a wrap on this yard sale and all the characters that came with it!